Life is Here by ForeverDreamland
by After Your Heart Stops Beating
Summary: AFTER YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING CONTEST ENTRY: The mind is a fragile thing and regret is so strong.


**After Your Heart Stops Beating OneShot Contest**

**Story Title: Life is Here**

**Penname: ForeverDreamland**

**Summary: The mind is a fragile thing and regret is so strong.**

**Word Count: 9,438**

**To view other entries, go there: ****http:/www (.) fanfiction (.) net/~afteryourheartstopsbeating**

**Disclaimer: Music and lyrics within this story belong to their rightful owners, Florence + The Machine. All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just play around with them in attempts to give a better ending.**

* * *

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose." – Kevin Arnold

**I.**** Seems that I have been held in some dreaming state.  
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake. **

**March 2106 A.T. **

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.  
Brush. Dip. Stroke. Paint.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.  
Brush. Dip. Stroke. Paint.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.  
Brush. Dip. Stroke. Paint.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.  
Brush. Dip. Stroke. P-

Isabella!"

Bella jolted with a start, a brief wave of confusion sweeping over her. Something had broken her cycle.

She hated it when things broke her cycle.

"Isabella Cullen!"

She cringed slightly at the use of her full name as she sat in an empty room of their Alaskan home. It was Bella's own personal escape, her own room in which she could collect her thoughts.

These days her mind was constantly overflowing.

Edward had presented it to her two years after her inevitable transformation. It had been an anniversary gift; something for her to "pass the time" as he had described it. He had taken note that every other family member had something such as this; so it seemed only fit that Bella have something of her own.

At first Bella had been elated and then she had been confused. The only items within the room were a painting easel, a stool, and a corner set up with all sorts of colors.

Bella couldn't remember a time when she had ever painted in her life. If anything, Bella would have expected an office; a place to _write_. But she accepted it and went along with it, something she had been attempting to perfect since her transformation; accepting unexpected gifts from her loving husband.

She had thanked Edward up and down and convinced him that it was something wonderful, she had "always wanted to take up painting."

Bella had also perfected her ability to lie.

It was on the very same stool in front of the very same easel now painted with the very same colors that Edward had presented to her when Alice finally found her.

"There you are!" She sing-songed as she entered Bella's domain.

Bella took in an unnecessary breath to steel herself.

"Here I am," She responded delicately. Bella still could not get used to the sound of her own voice.

She had escaped to her room a mere three hours ago, Bella knew because she had been counting the seconds, to escape the war path that Rosalie had been on ever since Alice had cleverly roped her into decorating the downstairs living room for the celebration.

Bella couldn't even remember what exactly they were celebrating.

"Edward and I have been looking all over for you," She chastised her as if she were a small child. "What are you doing up here."

"Rosalie," Was Bella's only response.

100 years had passed and Bella still could not find a way to handle the woman that was Rosalie.

"Ah, I see," Alice hummed. "Well she's all better now, we're finished." She clapped her hands together sharply to emphasize her point and excitement.

Bella resisted the urge to shrug. "That's great Alice."

Alice smiled and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"What did you paint this time? It looks different."

Bella's eyes swept towards her painting and found that she could not answer the question herself. The painting was a mass mix of splatters of the brightest and darkest greens laced with the many different shades of brown her paint collection offered. The most prominent a russet red/brown danced throughout the painting.

It was a far cry from the usual barren Alaska landscape that Bella viewed day in and day out through the floor to ceiling window; a huge difference from what she had painted for the past 98 years. She had figured if she painted it enough, she would one day grow to like it.

That day had yet to come.

"I don't know," She admitted.

"It's…nice" Alice offered, her voice unable to hide the force behind it.

Bella knew she thought it was anything but nice, but didn't bother to ask why.

"Come on," Alice took her hand. "Everyone's downstairs waiting."

Bella's eyes flitted between Alice's outstretched hand and the painting. An unsettling feeling formed within the pit of her stomach and Bella fought the sudden urge to flee. An urge that he been growing steadily with every day.

Bella forced a smile and swallowed the accompanying lump in her throat and took Alice's hand.

"Sure, sure."

\\

Bella was unsurprised when she reached the living room to see the outlandish decorations that covered the room. Alice always managed to find a way to outdo herself. Streamers in bright yellows, blues, and greens covered the ceiling while hundreds of tea-lights flickered and danced about the room.

The only thing that managed to throw Bella off was the large birthday cake placed strategically in the center of the room. Bella momentarily panicked as she was unaware that there was a birthday to celebrate. She couldn't remember whose special day it was nor had she purchased a present.

She descended the stairs leading into the living room slowly, her eyes scrutinizing the moves of her family trying to discern whose birthday it was and thinking of a worthy excuse as to why she had shown empty handed.

"Bella, love" Edward's soft voice filled her ears as she descended the last step. "Where have you been?"

"My studio," She turned her eyes to him. "Sorry, I wasn't aware the celebration was happening tonight." She offered him an apologetic smile.

"Well today is March first after all, love" He replied with a smile of his own, his arms coming to rest around her waist as he leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss upon her lips.

Bella returned the kiss hesitantly, her confusion winning over.

"What's so important about the first?"

Edward shot her a baffled look his arms retreating from around her waist, his hands resting lightly on her hips.

Even in this state, after all these years he was still always so gentle with her.

"It's Charlie's birthday, we always celebrate" He said. "Surely you haven't forgotten?"

The sudden silence of the room hadn't gone unnoticed by Bella as her eyes flitted quickly about the room taking in the confused and bewildered expressions of her small family.

She raked through her mind quickly trying to pull out any evidence or inclination as to why this man named Charlie should be important to her; what this day meant.

"Bella?" Edward questioned, shooting his own confused look towards everyone else.

"I'm sorry," She whispered. "Who…who is Charlie?"

**June 2006 B.T. **

_"So, there's a bonfire tonight," _

_"A bonfire?" Bella asked. "For what?" _

_"It's Emily's birthday," He explained. "And Sam wants to go all out," _

_"Right," _

_She could detect a hint of humor under the irritation from where she sat upon her usual crate seat in her corner of his garage as she watched him work. His back was towards her as his body bent over the engine of a car she couldn't quite name. _

_"Is this an invite to the party?" her voice was hesitant and guarded. _

_Bella knew that Sam, most likely along with the rest of the pack, was not her biggest fan. At least not since Edward had returned. _

_In a way she understood his dislike for her but she couldn't find a way to justify the scathing looks she received whenever he was near. _

_"Well yeah," His shoulders shrugged. "I mean if you want to go." _

_Bella mulled it over in her mind for a moment. Did she really want to deal with the constant stares tonight and the underlying judgment in everyone's eyes? Or would she rather go home and spend time with Edward, a place where she was accepted and never questioned? _

_"I'm not really a fan of Sam-" She mumbled._

_"It's not for Sam," He interrupted. _

_"Well none of them really like me-"_

_"Emily likes you, Seth likes you," He declared. "And I'll be there to protect you."_

_"Well you like's parties, I don't-" _

_"It's a bonfire, no dancing required." He countered. _

_"I don't like birthdays, anything to do with aging-" _

_"God Damn it!" He roared slamming the hood of the car."Bella, wake up!" _

_She jumped and cowered into herself, her eyes trained on the ground. She was used to it theses days, the fighting and constant strain within their relationship. They could never seem to find common ground with one another. _

_These days guilt was her best friend and rage was his. _

_She could feel the increased beating of her heart matched in time with his shallow forced breaths. She knew he was fighting the wolf, knew he was resisting the heat that licked up and down his spine as he shuddered violently in front of her.  
_  
_She opened her mouth to speak but knew there were no words that could rectify her slip up, her confession._

_"Why is it so wrong to celebrate life?" He ground out through his teeth. _

_"It's not, God I'd rather just-" She fumbled for an answer but came up short. _

_He removed himself from the car and turned to face her, his deep onyx eyes boring into her. _

_"You'd rather celebrate death?" _

_She stilled. "Is that what you think?" _

_He shrugged. "It's what I know Bella." _

_Anger flared within her chest. _

_"How dare you…you…you know nothing!" She argued standing from her seat. _

_"I know enough to know that he isn't what you really want!" He retaliated, his voice rising higher._

_"He is what I want!" She fought back. "He's always what I want! Why can't you accept that-?" _

_"Because he's not Bella, he's not" He roared. "God, he's got his hooks so fucking deep in you it makes me _sick_." He spat. "He's got you welcoming it willingly into your life like it's some fucking Christmas present you've been waiting for since you were five." _

"_That's not true-"_

_"But believe me Bella" He cut her off. "Death ain't no fucking pony named Snowflake." _

_Her anger swelled. "You don't know what you're talking about." _

_"Oh I know exactly what I'm talking about," He growled. "I've seen what he did to you, what he does to you now. Don't forget I was there to pick up the pieces." She flinched at the anguish in his voice. "And now here you are, holding death up on some mother fucking high pedestal like it's the only thing that matters anymore!" _

_"You think I idolize death?" She gasped out. _

_His unwavering glare was all the answer she needed. _

_"How could you think that of me?" She yelled, advancing on him. "I'm not…I'm not some sick twisted person who worships the idea of it!" _

_"It's not like you've given me any choice or any other options Bella!" _

_"You know me; you know I'm not like that!" She cried. Her eyes quickly filled with tears, his accusations cutting away at her. _

_"Well you could have fooled me," His voice was cold, steel. _

_She flinched violently, her heart shuddering in agony. _

_"Why are you doing this to me?"_

_He advanced quickly on her, his anger now fully in her face._

_"Because death doesn't matter Bella, Life matters." _

_Her shoulders heaved with weary sobs. _

_"I want to be with him," She cried. "Always, why can't you-"_

_"Because you don't need him," _

_"I do," She gasped out. _

_"Will you shut up and listen to me?" His eyes were lit with fire, his brow beaded with sweat in his struggle to remain in control. _

_"He's like a drug to you Bella," She shook her head. "Don't deny it, he's a fucking drug for you and you're the addict." _

_"Stop it," She hissed. _

_"He isn't right for you!" He cried._

"I said stop,"

_But he was relentless. "I know it, the pack knows it, and Charlie knows it-" _

_"Charlie doesn't know a damn thing about what I want!" _

_"And to think what he would say if he ever found out," He hissed. "He'd be sick." _

_Bella's eyes widened and silence fell upon them._

_"Don't" She whispered through tears. "Don't you dare talk about my father like you know him enough-"_

_"I know him enough to know how he'd feel," His eyes were dark with fury; his words biting. "I know him a hell of a lot more than you do and probably ever will."  
_

**March 2106 A.T. **

"Bella, Bella love are you alright?"

Bella shook her head to clear the clouds at the sound of Edward's harried voice.

She blinked once, twice, a third time until her eyesight cleared and she was able to take in the bewildered faces of her husband and family.

"Bella, speak to me" Edward cautioned. "Are you ok?"

Was she ok? No she was very much not ok. What had happened, where had that come from?

The harsh words and venomous glare of the man, the stranger within her dream…vision…memory?...still clouded her mind, prevented her from speaking.

She fumbled visibly with her struggle to find the right words, her shoulders shaking violently, her chest heaving with unneeded breaths. Her eyes flicked between her husband and family, unable to find the words to describe the distress she was under.

"Bella, sweetheart" Esme advanced forward her brow worried.

She could feel the tight grip of Edward's hands around her shoulders as he tried defiantly to catch her eye.

She shook her head, her mouth opening and closing like that of a fish.

_Oh god…water…fish…Charlie…_**DEAD**_._

"D-dad," She managed to croak out before she flung herself from Edward's arms and fled through the front door.

**II. ****No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber.  
Until I realize that it was you who held me under. ****  
**

**March 2106 A.T. **

Dead. Dead. Dead. Charlie is dead.  
Dead. Dead. Dead. Charlie is dead.

It was all she could think as she raced through the forest; jumping over boulders and logs, dodging the limbs of trees and the sharp pine needles.

Charlie was dead, her father was dead and Bella was alive, but she was also dead, but she was some form of both; the living dead. And Charlie, Charlie was just dead.

She allowed herself a short muffled cry and pushed on.

She could see it now, she remembered it now. Finding out and hearing how it happened; almost as if she was there. She wasn't there but she had known, she had heard and she could picture it in her mind. It was a violent end for a peaceful man, at the hands of one of her kind. She could see it now.

Charlie was dead. She was dead. Everyone was dead, she knew it now.

She fell to her knees with a violent cry escaping her lips, her body shuddering against the whipping wind.

Bella longed for tears, for the burning of her eyelids and the slight chill that her tears would have offered. She wanted to live the grief, the sorrow, her pain.

She flung herself forward and gave a startled cry as her hands did not find purchase against the ground. They hung limply before her over the ledge of a rock, what she could now see was a cliff.

She crawled forward, her dry sobs wracking her body with each inch, her entire being consumed with a sudden wave of nostalgia, her world slipping quickly through her fingertips.

**March 2006 B.T. **

_The air swirled in torrents around her, her hair whipping about. _

_She raised a shaky hand to tuck a stray piece behind her ear, only for it to remove itself once more. _

_"Please don't do this," _

_Her steps faltered as she neared the edge of the cliff, the soft ringing of his voice filling her head. She sighed in content, breath falling easily away from her and returning to repeat the process. _

_She could hear the slight ping of rocks that fell over the edge where she had stumbled. She watched as they rolled and dropped; bounced along as they plunged into the water below. _

_"Edward," She whispered. _

_"Bella, my love please don't do this," His voice was pained and strained, just as she remembered it. _

_"You told me to be human," She whispered. "This is what you wanted," _

"Not this way, never this way."

_Her breath hitched and she stalled for a split second, then found herself, falling. _

_Falling…_

_Falling…_

_Falling…_

_Then there was nothing but the ice of the water, biting into her fragile skin. She rose to the surface, kicking and pulling her way towards air towards life. _

_She broke through with mass vigor and allowed herself a moment of victory of sheer joy at having made the treacherous leap. Her arm met its full extension, her victory then short lived, the strength of an unexpected wave pulling her below and under. _

_She panicked, she screamed, her lungs filling with the bitter taste of her killer. She kicked and she fought but she could not find the surface. She was dying, she was losing. _

Air. Air. I need air._ Her mind chanted but Mother Nature would not relent. _

_This is what you wanted. This is always what you wanted. It taunted her and baited her. _

_Her body tossed and turned about in the depths of the water, her eyes frantically searching, burning with the salt of the ocean. The blackness of death consumed her. _

_"Edward," She thought. "Edward what have I done? What have you done?" _

_The blackness swallowed her, the silence deafening. She was freezing she was dying, she was falling under._

_Freezing. Dying. Falling. Freezing. Dying. Falling. _

_It's here. Death is here. _

_And then she was burning, and burning and burning. And she was rising, higher and faster and higher and faster. _

_Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster. _

_I've got you Bells. Breathe!  
I've got you Bells. Breathe! _

_It's here. Life is here. _

**III. Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids.  
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs. **

**March 2106 A.T. **

A shrill strangled cry broke through her tight closed lips as she dragged herself to her feet. She stumbled away from the tempting ledge suddenly unsteady on her feet.

Gone was her poise. Gone was her grace.

Her hands found purchase within the confines of her silk hair and she tugged and she pulled as she fought the overwhelming guilt and anger. She could taste the salt of the ocean on her tongue; she could feel the ice water filling her lungs.

He almost killed me. He almost killed me. She repeated in her head. It was a tight short mantra as she walked in circles. Then suddenly, silence.

_He almost killed me.  
He did kill me, in the end._

She stood still as realization flooded her and then, then she was flying.

She raced through the forest once more but this time with an unrelenting vigor. She needed to get away, she needed to escape. Her life then had been full of doubts and insecurity; an insanity in her quest to find acceptance.

Edward had always been what she lived for back then, what she claimed brought her life. But in that moment he had only brought the blackness the coldness of death. He had pulled her under, and someone else, someone had pulled her to the surface.

_I've got you Bells. Breathe! _

She surged onwards. The voice was so familiar yet so strange; she couldn't quite place it. Who had said it, who had saved her? Who was the boy…man? That had saved her. Who had rescued her from the cold clutches of death in that momentous instant?

Who had saved her in that moment?  
Who had failed to save her in the end, when it mattered most?

Her fist collided unexpectedly with a tree as she took out her sorrow and her pent up frustration upon it. Her fists punched and blew hard into the tall oak with violent energy.

There was no blood or cracked skin, only the sharp "smack, smack, smack" sound of the bark splintering beneath her fists as she pounded away.

She screamed and she cried as she tore into the bark of the tree. She kicked and she spat and she pulled and pushed and pulled and pushed. The tree gave way but still she stood strong.

With resilient strength she ripped away at the roots of the tree, the very thing that kept it grounded. She tore them from their confines of the earth, their twisted and bent forms mocking her as she could not reach each one.

"Die! Die! Die!" She screamed as she thrashed at the rooted limbs. "Die like I have died! Be dead as I am dead!"

She thought it cruel and unfair that this tree could live, that this tree could stand.  
She thought it cruel and unfair that she could not live, that she was stuck dead.

"The forest belongs to me," She hissed. "It is mine and I am his. You can not take that from me!"

Her anger flared when the roots, the base would not give way, but the body of the tree crumbled. She abhorred the weakness of the trunk and the sturdy strength of its roots. She cursed the limbs and pieces of the tree that so easily broke at the power of her hands.

How could the base still remain yet the body crumble?  
How could her base not stand and her body not crumble?

In that moment she remembered the snap of a leg in a ballet studio; the sound of a clean break. She recalled the splintering of a knuckle after connecting with a hard fist, in retaliation to warm, warm, warm moving lips.

She remembered pain, pain, and more pain but she could not feel it now. Bella longed for her blood, split skin, and breaking bones. She yearned for her aches, the stings; for the crippling hurt, and throbbing of new and old injuries.

Bella longed for the pain that proved her humanity.  
Bella longed to break like the things that she destroyed.

**IV. No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone.  
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden. **

**March 2106 A.T. **

She gave one final hit to the trunk before she collapsed to the ground, her knees scarping along the once hidden roots.

With her head bowed and her back hunched, Bella sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, the still night air clashing with her heart wrenching cries.

There was a burning in her chest, but there was no beat.  
There was a burning behind her eyelids, but there were no tears.

And for the first time in 100 years, Bella Cullen was tired, so very tired.

Her knees gave way and she waited for the dull smack of the earth upon her back but it never came. Instead she found herself falling into the outstretched arms of her husband, his whispered words of concern echoing in her ears.

She could not give any response to him as he gathered her into his arms and took off running. All she could feel, all she could see was the quick whipping of the wind and the full moon looming in the sky. She reached for it and she clambered in his arms, but he held stead fast to her, barring her from any movement.

"I've got you Bella, I've got you Bella." He chanted.

But there was no burning, no rising higher, faster.  
There was no 'breathe' tacked on the end.

There was no need to breathe.

**V. No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love.  
**

**No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love. **

**January 2005 B.T.  
**

_She stepped through the doors of her new biology class, Mike and Eric trailing close behind her. _

_"I'm sure Mr. Banner will let you sit next to me," Mike assured her, his boyish grin unsettling her. "I mean…if you want to." _

_"Uh yeah, sure." She lamely replied._

_Her eyes scanned the room slowly taking in the new faces of her classmates. They didn't look too different or all that much scarier then the kids back in Phoenix, maybe a little paler…but that was good. She could blend in here. _

_Mr. Banner greeted her with a flourish of waving arms and a bright smile, welcoming to biology promising it wouldn't be as boring as all the other science classes she'd be subjected to before. _

_Bella attempted to persuade him that she liked science, it could never be boring to her. _

_As Mr. Banner went on to describe what would be expected of her, her attentions were once more drawn to the occupants of the room, he gaze lingering longer on each face. _

_When her eyes met his there was a sudden surge of warmth within her and she was overcome with a suffocating need to go to him, to be by his side. The need encompassed her and embedded itself within her skin, her bones, and her blood. _

_She took a hesitant step forward, her focus falling away from Mr. Banner and onto the beautiful creature within her sights. _

_She was forced back though by the sudden mask of raw fury that adorned his face. _

_Her heart bet fluctuated and the pace of her breathing increased. Somewhere in the back of her mind Bella knew her life was now somehow changed forever. _

**September 2005 B.T. **

_"I need to think of something to tell Charlie," She reasoned, her mind flitting through the different possibilities of excuses. _

_All the while Edward stood immobile, a mask of indifference slipping onto his face. _

_"What…what should I tell him?" She asked frantically. _

_"Nothing," He shrugged. _

_"Nothing?" He nodded. "Edward I can't tell him nothing, I-I can't just disappear without a single word-"_

_She paused in her rant and took in his indifferent expression. Her eyes widened in realization but she shook it away. _

_No, he would never. She assured herself. _

_"W-when you say we, you don't mean-" _

_"Myself and my family?" He questioned. "Yes, yes that's exactly what I mean." _

**VI. No more dreaming like a girl, so in love with the wrong world.  
**_  
_**March 2106 A.T.**She remembered the joy she felt, the first time Edward said he loved her. And she remembered the crippling pain when he had said different. She had always believed every single word that he said, every lie that escaped his lips.

Bella curled deeper into the covers within their unnecessary bed, trying to escape the cold, trying to remember what comfort felt like.

Edward sat on the edge of the bed, his expression pained and his eyes searching. Bella refused to look at him. Each time her eyes found his a blinding rage and unsettling hate swelled within her. It was becoming almost uncontrollable.

"Tell me how to fix this," He choked out. "Please."

"There is nothing you can do," Her voice was chilling. "What's done is done."

"I thought you were happy," His words were rushed. "All these years-"

"Things change, Edward."

"Not so quickly," He argued. "Never so quickly, especially after everything we've been through."

She had no response for him, no answer for his desperate questions. A part of her regretted the pain she was inflicting on him, but the pain that she had endured had been so much worse. He had taken her family from her, her choices, her life.

"Can you just talk to me?" He begged. "Tell me what to do-"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because turning to you, is like falling in love when you're ten," She stated. "It's impossible."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you did this to me Edward. You Killed me."

Agony ripped through him.

"Bella-"

"Please, just leave" She whispered. "I would like to be alone."

Edward choked off a cry and nodded his head in consent. He knew when things were done; he could recognize the signs of a lost cause…no matter how much it pained him.

**VII. And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning strike.  
All around the world was waking, I never could go back. **

**March 2106 A.T. **

Ten days. It had been a full ten days since she had last seen or spoken to any one of the members of her family.

After her confrontation with Edward, Bella had fled to her studio late in the evening, skipping out on the family's planned hunting trip, and locked herself away. For the days to come she had only left the room in order to change her clothes.

Edward had attempted contact after the first two days, but his efforts were futile. His cried and begs for her to exit the room and just talk to him, were met with a deafening silence and the clicking of a lock.

Away from Edward and away from his family Bella had resorted to painting and pacing to pass the time.

There were moments of clarity within the room where she walked about in a cheerful mood, an old song dancing from her lips. And then there were those other moments, like the one now, where her anger and resentment consumed her and Bella was overcome with an unwavering sadness.

As she sat and painted, now, Bella remembered the sound of his dry sobs, his hope fading. She remembered the numbness of her lack of caring. The anger she held towards her husband always outweighed her concern for his well being these days.

The quiet "slap, slap" of the rain against the window and each flash of lightning served as a distraction. It had been ten whole days without any memories, no flashes of a past life. Bella wasn't happy nor was she upset. These days she didn't need unnatural "visions" to help feed her anger.

The hairs of her paintbrush ghosted slowly over the canvas, her mind focused elsewhere.

For days her mind had mulled over the boy within her memories, the one that held so much anger and pain inside of him. She couldn't remember his name. She wanted to remember his name, desperately.

A particularly loud clap of thunder shook her brush from her hand and she was suddenly overcome with a stabbing pain dwelling within her mind. She could feel it in her entire being, shaking her to the core.

There were quick flashes now, images moving too fast for her to grasp. The vision had returned.

he fell to her knees with a startled cry, her hands ripping at her hair. The pain was unbearable as it ate away at her.

_There was a meadow. _

_Barren. Empty. Dead. _

_There was a rush of sadness and despair, the feeling of abandonment. _

_"It will be as if I never existed." _

_Then a man, a beautiful man with cold, cold red eyes. _

_"Bella," he whispered. Her named rolled off his tongue fluidly and languidly. Bile rose in her throat. _

Her hands fell from her hair and she reached around her, grabbing for anything solid. A scream ripped through her lungs.

_There was fear and sickness. _

_Acceptance and dread. _

_"Please don't be afraid," He cooed. "I'm doing you a great favor." _

_Then surprise, surprise, surprise. _

_Fur. Teeth bared. Shock.  
_

_The man was fleeing now, running from the new predator. _

Bella screamed and screamed, her body convulsing upon the ground. The sound of hurried footsteps and anxious voices reached her as the door of her studio flew wide open.

_A red truck, a gravel driveway. _

_Rain. Thunder. Lightning. _

_Sadness. Only suffocating sadness._

"Bella! Bella speak to me!" Edward cried, gathering her into his arms. There was no answer.

_"We can't do this,"_

_"What…What do you mean?" _

_"We can't be friends anymore." _

_Consuming pain. A fresh hole torn right through. _

_"I don't…I can't lose you." _

_Begging pleading. _

_Pain and more pain. _

"_Leave and don't come back." Harsh and biting. "Or you're going to get hurt." _

Her body stilled violently, her eyelids fluttering slowly. Edward gazed down at her, worry laced within his eyes, his brow furrowed with concern.

Rolling from his arms Bella fought the heavy haze that had settled over her, clutching upon the ground finding the smooth edges of her canvas. The pain had escaped her.

As her eyes fell upon the painting they widened in surprise her teeth baring at the image before her. A lone wolf of the same red/brown color that had haunted her for days stared up at her from the canvas. It's eyes gazing forlornly and lost, his shoulders sagged with an immense weight.

A snarl escaped her throat followed by a loud resounding riiiiiiiiip. She threw the two halves against the nearest wall each landing with a dull hard SMACK.

Edward stood to his feet as Bella climbed to hers.

He reached for her, "Bella."

She shrugged away from his touch, her eyes downcast.

"Bella, please-"

"What does it mean?" Her cry broke through. "I don't know what any of it means!"

Edward's eyes closed tight in pain and regret. It killed him to see her like this, to witness the wasting away of the only woman he had ever loved.

"Bella I don't-"

"Tell me! Just tell me what it means!" Her chest was heaving now, her body swaying unsteadily on her feet. "I can't…I can't remember anything!"

She was gone before he could give an answer.

**VIII. 'Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open.  
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken. **

**March 2106 A.T. **

She was running again. Racing through the surrounding forest, her skin sleek with rain. These days it was all she did.

Run…

Run…

Run…

Bella didn't know if she could ever stop.

She hated the memories, the vision of her past. There was no hope in them, nothing to reflect on with pleasure or in happiness.

The memories were as bleak and black as death to her, only bringing out pain and a longing that could never be quenched.

The only thing the memories brought her was an all consuming regret. For in them Bella could see everything she had lost and everything she could and would never gain.

And so she ran and on she pushed, running from everything that defined her then and everything that defined her now.

The surrounding was nothing but a whipping wind, a world flashing quickly by. There was no more time for living like this no time to dwell. Bella knew now that she would always run and she would always lose.

This was not the life she was meant to live, she knew now. And she held so many regrets within her, so much pain over everything she had lost. Her mother her father, friends; all faces she could no longer picture, names she could no longer speak.

Her pace was solid and sure as she pushed through the trees, leaping and avoiding all obstacles that stood in her way.

_This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I wanted._ She chanted within her mind.

_I didn't know. I didn't know._

_Show me what I did not know. _

Her body crashed to the ground as the pain ripped right through her. Her back arched as an agonizing scream tore through her chest. Her mind, her body was a lit with a fire within, tearing her right in half. But Bella knew this time to accept it, to not fight. She lay there and allowed it to wash over her, to drag her under. She welcomed it with vigor, let pour in the memories that would soon consume her.

**June 2006 B.T. **

_"Wait!" She cried, as she clambered over the uneven surface. _

_He walked steadily ahead of her, his pace quickening at her cries. She could see the tension coiling in his back, the tiny thread that threatened to snap. _

_"Stop, please!" She protested. "Please stop!" _

_"No, I'm done!" He spat. "I am so done with this bullshit!" _

_"Please just listen!" She begged. "Give me some time to explain-" _

_"Explain what Bella?" He whipped around to face her, fury etched in every line of his face and his coal black eyes. _

_Bella faltered at his growing rage, momentarily shrinking away from him. He shook his head in disgust, body shaking with the effort to remain in control. _

_"You can't explain that-" His words choked off as a sob clawed its way through his throat. "You can never make me understand this." _

_Bella's heart ached when she took in his agonized demeanor. She wanted to reach out and gather him into her arms and promise that everything was going to be ok, that they were going to be ok. But she knew she couldn't. _

_She could see the defeat in the way his shoulders sagged. She watched as it built up in the substance of his tears. He had reached it, his breaking point; and she had been the one to push him over the edge. _

_"I'm so sorry-" _

_"Don't you dare," He hissed. _

_"Please-" _

_"I'm leaving, I have to go." He interrupted. _

_She could sense the desperation in his voice, could practically feel the frenzy that fought to burst from him. He wasn't thinking straight and Bella knew this was dangerous. _

_"W-what?" _

_"There's a fight brewing down there Bella," He stated. "And I'm going to help my brothers, my _family_; I'm won't hide." _

_"Please don't-" _

_"I'm going to fix everything, I'm going to put things right." _

_Bella could sense that something was off; she could see it in the sudden frenzied fire in his eyes. _

_"What do you mean put it right?" She questioned. "Fix what?" _

_"This," he gestured between them. "This fucked up tie we have to one another, I'm taking myself out of the equation." _

_"Out of the equation how?" Her voice now matched his desperation. He couldn't possibly mean what she thought he meant. "You're not going to sacrifice yourself are you? You can't do that I won't let you!" _

_She moved quickly towards him, determined to get a good grip on him, determined to prevent him from ever leaving her side. _

_Bella had known pain when Edward had left her, when she thought he was gone forever. But this…this was different she knew that. She didn't want to know what life felt like without him, he was her best friend, her sun. _

"_I'm not suicidal Bella, I'm not selfish," He hissed, an offended glare forming on his face. "I would never hurt the people I love like that." _

_"Th-then what do you mean?" She shivered. "When you said, when you said that?"_

_"I mean I'll leave it up to fate." He shrugged. "I'll do my best for my pack and myself, I won't do it for you." He turned away from her and let out a heavy sigh. "And if something were to happen and I don't make it, well…" he trailed off and turned to face her with a haunted smirk upon his face. "Well then all the better for you and your leech. I won't be in the way of your happy ending any longer" _

_"You don't mean that…"_

_"Goodbye Bella," He said. "Maybe I'll see you, maybe I won't." _

_"No!" She cried as he walked away. "Stay, please just stay with me!" _

_He stopped in his tracks his shoulders coiling. _

_"Give me one good reason," he said as he turned to face her. "As to why I should fucking stay."_

_"Because I need you," She cried. She could feel the tears falling now, the sharp sting as they met the cold mountain air. _

_"You've proven that you don't" _

_"You're too important to me-"_

_"Not good enough." He said glaring at her, challenging her to keep trying. _

_"Because…because I need you, I can't lose you!" She sobbed. _

_"Still not good enough," He hissed and turned and left her once more. _

_"PLEASE!" She screamed, her arms clutching around her middle. She could feel a new tear, a hole forming within her chest, sucking the air out of her lungs. "Kiss me!" She cried. _

_He froze in his steps. He turned and faced her slowly, disbelief in his eyes. _

_"Kiss me," She said with more conviction. "Kiss me and then come back." _

_A flash of utter surprise flitted across his face and then he was right there before her, strong and sure, gripping the back of her neck, the side of her hip. _

_The heat was overwhelming. _

_"Bella…" He whispered, drawing her in closer. _

_And with a gentle nod of her head, his lips descended upon hers, moving, dancing, burning her inside and out. _

_All she could feel was his passion. _

_All she could feel was his overwhelming heat. _

_All she could feel was his love. _

**IX. And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open. **

**And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open. **

**March 2106 A.T. **

Her convulsions ceased and the pain ebbed away slowly, leaving behind the familiar haze and the desire to sleep, though Bella knew this could never happen.

An all consuming grief washed over her as she raised her self on all fours. There was a burning in her chest and behind her eyelids and she recognized this as a yearning her tear ducts felt to express her sorrow.

She heaved in heavy breaths, though unneeded, her mind reeling from what the memory had revealed.

"I loved him," She gasped out, the pain within her chest building to an excruciating height. "I loved him,"

She knew Edward had followed her. She didn't need to hear or see him to know that his presence was near.

"Yes," He said calmly. "Very much."

Her head dropped to the ground, her hair shielding her pain from him.

"What was his name?" She whispered. "Please tell me his name,"

There was a short pause and a deafening silence.

"Jacob," He stated. "His name was Jacob."

**X. No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone. **

**August 2006 B.T. **

"_Jacob," She breathed out in surprise. _

_Edward had led her over to the forest entrance behind the tent as they danced. The chatter and laughter of the music faded into the background along with the music as she took in the sight of her best friend. _

_A small sob broke through her as she clutched and hand tight to her lips. It had been a long four months since she had last seen him, and on conditions that she had wished were better. _

_Time had certainly had an effect on him, the deep worry lines of his face a testament to it. In his eyes she could still see the heartache the pain over what this was causing him, what she was causing him. _

_She slipped out of Edward's arms and approached him slowly. He was tense as she approached, his hands curled tight in fists his eyes watching her every move. She had heard from Seth that he had given in to the wolf when he ran. He had told her of the unending silence in their minds, how they had known he was there, yet they were unable to reach out to him. _

_She stopped in front of him and found his eyes. He blinked slowly, his eyes roving her very form, seeming to pause on her neck. She knew he was seeking out her pulse. _

"_Jake," She whispered. She reached a hand slowly towards his face unsure if she was still allowed this small pleasure of touching him. _

_He flinched slightly as her hand neared but made no protest. A low sigh rumbled deep within his chest when her palm made contact. Bella gasped at the contact, her hand burning from his heat. _

_She offered him a slow smile as he turned his cheek into her hand his own resting overtop. _

_"I missed you," His voice scratched out. _

_She could feel the wet drops on her hand and she stepped in closer. _

_"I missed you too," _

**XI. No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden. **

**September 2006 **

_She was cold, broken, bleeding. _

_"I'm dying," She croaked out. "Jacob I'm dying," _

_"No, no Bella you're not dying," His voice was frantic. She could feel his hands flitting over her body quickly, trying to stop the pain, trying to stop the bleeding. "Edward's on his way, Carlisle too. You're going to be ok, just hang in there." _

_Her eyelids fluttered quickly with the effort to stay awake. Her body was going numb, the cold seeping into her lungs, slowly consuming her. _

_She had always thought she would end in fire, a burning blaze of heat coursing through her veins. But she was cold and her veins were filled with ice, and she found it so uncomfortable. _

_Two minutes later she realized that this could be her fate for all eternity, this frozen state; that is if she ever made it out of here alive. _

_"I'm…I'm cold Jacob," She shivered. _

_A moan escaped him, his face distorted with pain as he desperately tried to warm her body. He hovered above and next to her, trying to wrap an arm around her as they lay on the side of the road. _

"_I know honey, I know" he cried. "Just please hang on just a little bit longer." _

_She wasn't sure how they had gotten here, in this wreck on the side of the road. They had been on a picnic at first beach, spending some much needed last moments with one another before she would be heading off for Alaska. She had been careful while driving them back, she always was. _

_But her careful driving still could not escape the eighteen wheeler that had met them in the curve of the road. _

_She was suddenly overcome with a wave of sadness and regret. She didn't want to say goodbye to him this way, not in blood and tears and pain. He was supposed to be spared the agony of witnessing her death. And now he was witnessing it before his very eyes. But this time, this death, she would not wake from. _

_"I'm…I'm sorry Jake," She choked out, blood spilling from her mouth. _

_He swiped a thumb over the red line and cradled her head in his hands. _

_"Shh, honey don't talk," He whispered. "You need to save your energy." _

_"I'm sorry things ended this way," She pushed on. "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed me to be," _

_"Bella you were always what I needed," He sobbed. "Honey you will always be what I need." _

_"Not when I'm gone, when I'm dead." _

_"You're not going to die," He said with such conviction, his voice hard and sure. "I won't let you. Carlisle is on his way, you're going to be fine, he'll help you…he'll save you." _

_"Jacob, I'm dead either way," She whispered, tears escaping her eyes. _

_He was silent at this. _

_"Remember what I said Bella?" He whispered in her ear. "Do you remember that night after the fight, what I said to you?" _

_She nodded her head as best she could, sobs racking through her body. He took her hand tightly in his and squeezed. _

_"Until…until my heart stops beating," She choked out. _

_"No Bella," He cried softly. "Even then, I told you even then." _

_A vicious sob tore its way through her and she squeezed his hand with all her might. _

_"Even then," She repeated. _

**XII. No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love. **

**No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love.**

**June 2006 B.T. **

"_Where is he?" She yelled as she jumped from the seat of her truck. _

_The solemn faces of the entire pack greeted her as she raced towards the front porch. _

"_Where is he? Is he alright?" She cried as she neared. _

_A horrific scream ripped through the night air, Bella's blood ran cold. She knew it was him, knew it was Jacob whose pain was being voiced in the night. _

_"I need to see him," She made for the front door but was stopped by Embry. _

_"Embry move I need to see him," She growled. _

_"The leech doctor is re-breaking him right now," He cringed. "I don't think you want to be there to see that." _

_Another scream pierced the night. _

_Bella shook her head. "No, no I don't care I have to see him."_

_She went to maneuver around him but Embry was persistent. She shot him a glare as he folded his arms across his chest, standing in front of the door like a guard. _

"_Embry move," She hissed. "Right now," _

"_You can see him when he's better Bella-" _

"_No I want to see him now!" She yelled. _

_She reached forward to push him but stopped at the sudden sight of Carlisle's bewildered face. He and Sam stepped through the front doorway and joined them on the porch, both of their eyes weary, their shoulders sagged just a bit in exhaustion. _

_"Carlisle," She gasped stepping towards him. Embry moved aside with a slight nod of Sam's head. _

_It still irked her to no end that he continued to call the shots. If Jacob were Alpha he would have let her in, broken bones and scarring experiences and all. _

_"Bella, how are you?" Carlisle asked resting a hand gently on her shoulder. _

_"I'm good, you?" She shifted from foot to foot. _

"_Lucky and happy to be safe," He said with a sad smile. He took in her anxious demeanor and let out a tired sigh. _

_"He's resting now Bella," He said. "I'm sure you can go in now," He turned to Sam for confirmation. "He has been asking for you," He added on for good measure. _

_Sam paused and then gave a slight nod. Bella let out a breath of relief and raced into the Black's home her feet taking her down a familiar path. _

_She paused in front of the door to collect herself, but nothing could prepare her for what was to come, for the loss that she would inevitably suffer. _

**XIII. No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world. **

**April 2106 A.T. **

Life had returned to its usual mundane schedule after that fateful night. She went about her daily routine, never stopping, always go, go, go. These days Edward never bothered to comfort her, he let her be, they all let her be. Bella was unsure whether to feel grateful or angry. No more than ever she was so alone and unsure of whether it was what she wanted.

She could remember everything now, finally understood who the man in her dreams was.

His name was Jacob Black and he was her best friend.

His name was Jacob Black and he was in love with her.

His name was Jacob Black and she had loved him.

His name was Jacob Black and she had lost him.

**XIV. Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards. **

**Synapse slipping thought the hidden door. **

**September 2106 A.T. **

She was surprised that they had not caught on sooner, that Alice had remained silent and impassive choosing not to voice her concerns. Instead each day Alice would shoot her a look of silent understanding and what Bella could only deem as acceptance for the decision she had made all those months ago.

Bella had fashioned an idea in her head over the months, a solution to her many problems. It saddened her deeply when she thought of what this would do to Edward, what she was doing to him now.

But things were not the same between the two.

Things would never be the same.

These days she knew she was only holding him back, preventing him from ever finding true happiness. Bella was not his soul mate, was not the one he continually roamed this earth for. Bella knew this now and figured somewhere in her subconscious she had always known; they both had.

There love had been quick, had struck them like lightning and forever lit them in a blaze of wonderment. Both dazzled by the mystery of one another, too blind to see the truth that, love did not lay beneath the mystery, but obsession.

Bella did love Edward this she could admit, but the love she held for him was not what was meant for her. No, her natural path had lain with her best friend the boy that she had turned a blind eye to on so many countless occasions.

It was his eyes that haunted her every thought, his smile that burned beneath the retinas of her eyes.

She had missed out on her chance at life, had missed out on love. Bella held so many regrets within her but one regret she would not give in to. Bella was going to set things right, she was going to fix it all.

\\

Again she was running, racing through the forest with a graceful speed and agility. She had stolen away in the middle of the night whilst the family was each busy with their own activities, the sounds of their laughter and chatter floating up into her studio.

She had packed the necessary items and left behind the ones she would not need. Where she was going there was not much use for material things.

Before she fled their home and ghosted through the hallways one last time, she placed upon her easel a letter penned to each and every member of her family. In them she expressed her love and gratitude for all that they had done for over the years, all the sacrifices they had made to accept her into their loving family. Bella would be forever grateful for the time she was allotted with them, for the love that she was able to share.

As she ran through the forest a sense of calm washed over her, a foreign feeling of peace; one that she had felt an entire lifetime ago.

She arrived to the clearing in a short amount of time, the logs and timber already in place. She set to work preparing her last act of defiance against the world that she had fought so hard to become a part of. Her mind was blank and calm, a serene feeling within her body, an acceptance and slight anticipation of what was to come.

Within minutes the fire was blazing and Bella was ready.

I'm coming home. I'm coming home. She continuously chanted as she took deliberate delicate steps towards the flames.

She could feel the heat licking at her skin, begging to take purchase within her and around her. She neared closer, her short mantra still coursing through her mind.

"Jacob," She whispered. "I'm coming home."

And so in fire she was born, then in fire she would end.

Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster.

Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster.

Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster.

Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster.

Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster.

**XV. Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards. **

**Synapse slipping thought the hidden door. **

_Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster. _

"I've got you Bells." A voice yelled. "Breathe!"

_Burning. Choking. Burning. Choking. _

"I've got you, come one Breathe!" They yelled once more.

Ten short counted pumps, shaking hands and hurried forced breaths.

_Burning. Choking. Cough. Cough. Cough. _

"Breathe Bells!" He encouraged. "Come one Breathe."

_A splutter and cough, water rushing out, air rushing in. _

"Oh thank God," They whispered. A hot forehead pressed to hers. "Breathe Bells, just breathe."

She took in short bouts of air a burning in her lungs preventing any further. A strong hand rubbed gentle circles in the palm of her hand, another ghosted across her face, her cheeks, her nose, her lips.

"Breathe Bella, I've got you." They whispered. "You're ok, everything's ok."

Her eyelids fluttered and she took in the harried yet relieved face of her best friend.

"J-Jake?"

"I'm here Bells, you're ok." He reassured her, smoothing her hair from her forehead.

"You're…you're alive?" She whispered. "I'm alive."

"You're alive," He stated, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I'm alive,"

"Please don't ever do that to me again, ok?"

She nodded in agreement, pulling his body closer to hers. Her hands ghosted across his exposed chest, her hands settling above his heart. The beat was steady and strong, each thump pulsing into her, pushing life into her.

Burning. Rising. Faster. Burning. Rising. Faster.

_I've got you Bells. Breathe!  
I've got you Bells. Breathe! _

"We're alive,"

_It's here. Life is here._

**Fin.**


End file.
